Deep depression

I am sad now. In fact I have been sad since who-knows-whenever time, and the thing that makes it worse it that there is no cure to this sadness. Not a tiny bit.

I miss you. I miss you hell lot. But what I do, I keep myself distracted and busy all the time, so that I make myself think I don't have the time to think about you and prevent myself to cause you any more misery. As much as it hurts I don't want to bring anymore trouble to you.

Now you have your life, you love it. You love your friends, you miss them, you even treasure them. Me? Tsk, who knows where am I buried deep inside your memory, maybe waiting there for a hope to be dug up one day and be missed and loved like you did back then, which, will not probably happen.(well okay, which is never going to happen)

I am in agony. People say, better to just get the pain over with, rather than prolong the agony. I don't know. Some times ago I thought that, I will bear all the pain, and walk away with it. Ironically, I don't want to bear the pain. I don't even want to walk away. I just want to stay. By your side. Well, maybe even make you stay. And my persistence to do so brought me only deeper depression.

I am worried. Worried if my love will somehow turn into hatred. That's what happened to the Uchiha family, and look what that brought them to. I don't want to hate. Hatred is no good thing, brings destruction, takes lives away, shatters kind hearts. I want to love you. Even as a friend I want to, friendly kind of love. Only if I am even given the chance. I don't even feel like a friend. I only feel like I am rejected, like how it felt when you sent a friend request to someone and that someone rejected it. Sucks. Hurts. Dying.

Talk about keeping myself occupied all the time. Tsk, so unhealthy. What I do, I spent nights gaming non-stop, some nights watching erotic stuffs even, when I'm not tired enough to doze off straight away and the genius mind kept wandering off and thinking of you. Frustrated I am. In despair I am. I don't even know what to do when you suddenly came to mind and like, play around with the circuits of my body, driving my insane. I can laugh, cry, sing, scream, go emo mode, become hyped, stay quiet for a long time -- and yes I do all of them at the same time. Crazy. Crazy as it sounds, it's true.

Sob ain't going to do me any good. I'll have to work a way out somehow.



"I should be crying, they said. I'd feel better. What I couldn't bring myself to tell them was that my tears were on lockdown. Every day I could feel the burn of them behind my eyes, but the droplets never formed, never fell. And to be honest, the lack didn't bother me. I didn't want to cry. Deep down I had accepted the fact that I deserved to suffer...to seethe on the inside" -- Alice in Zombieland, Gena Showalter



Well, guess that's it. Haven't been writing anything since SPM. I feel like I'm not even familiar with writing anymore. Must have wrote craps up there. Who cares, will still probably have 0 visit counts to the blog.

I don't care, I love it!