Deep depression

I am sad now. In fact I have been sad since who-knows-whenever time, and the thing that makes it worse it that there is no cure to this sadness. Not a tiny bit.

I miss you. I miss you hell lot. But what I do, I keep myself distracted and busy all the time, so that I make myself think I don't have the time to think about you and prevent myself to cause you any more misery. As much as it hurts I don't want to bring anymore trouble to you.

Now you have your life, you love it. You love your friends, you miss them, you even treasure them. Me? Tsk, who knows where am I buried deep inside your memory, maybe waiting there for a hope to be dug up one day and be missed and loved like you did back then, which, will not probably happen.(well okay, which is never going to happen)

I am in agony. People say, better to just get the pain over with, rather than prolong the agony. I don't know. Some times ago I thought that, I will bear all the pain, and walk away with it. Ironically, I don't want to bear the pain. I don't even want to walk away. I just want to stay. By your side. Well, maybe even make you stay. And my persistence to do so brought me only deeper depression.

I am worried. Worried if my love will somehow turn into hatred. That's what happened to the Uchiha family, and look what that brought them to. I don't want to hate. Hatred is no good thing, brings destruction, takes lives away, shatters kind hearts. I want to love you. Even as a friend I want to, friendly kind of love. Only if I am even given the chance. I don't even feel like a friend. I only feel like I am rejected, like how it felt when you sent a friend request to someone and that someone rejected it. Sucks. Hurts. Dying.

Talk about keeping myself occupied all the time. Tsk, so unhealthy. What I do, I spent nights gaming non-stop, some nights watching erotic stuffs even, when I'm not tired enough to doze off straight away and the genius mind kept wandering off and thinking of you. Frustrated I am. In despair I am. I don't even know what to do when you suddenly came to mind and like, play around with the circuits of my body, driving my insane. I can laugh, cry, sing, scream, go emo mode, become hyped, stay quiet for a long time -- and yes I do all of them at the same time. Crazy. Crazy as it sounds, it's true.

Sob ain't going to do me any good. I'll have to work a way out somehow.



"I should be crying, they said. I'd feel better. What I couldn't bring myself to tell them was that my tears were on lockdown. Every day I could feel the burn of them behind my eyes, but the droplets never formed, never fell. And to be honest, the lack didn't bother me. I didn't want to cry. Deep down I had accepted the fact that I deserved to suffer...to seethe on the inside" -- Alice in Zombieland, Gena Showalter



Well, guess that's it. Haven't been writing anything since SPM. I feel like I'm not even familiar with writing anymore. Must have wrote craps up there. Who cares, will still probably have 0 visit counts to the blog.

I don't care, I love it!

I see you.

Have you ever, looked up to the starry night sky, and wander what is up there?

I was dreaming at that time.

It was a night sky, full of stars. Brilliant, beautiful, stars. Some star fragments, maybe. Then I saw myself floating in the sea of stars, lots of thoughts were bothering me.

I saw my family in the stars. They are all lovely and caring, and most importantly is they love me, unconditionally. I wondered how much one will have to sacrifice, in order to render another one unconditional love.

Above my family I saw the old me. The younger me, who was all playful and hyper-active and cute. The smaller me who was weak and always get sick and sometimes bullied. The immature me who never cared to study and played online games whenever I went online and fought with my sister over small stuffs ending up her crying.

Higher up I saw the me now. The older me. Well, not really old you see, I'm still just 17, so... The me now who isn't sunny like the me back then, who isn't cute like when I was a child, who is lazy to do anything. And the me who is getting stronger and stronger, who started building up muscles, who became a little healthier then before. Some more the me who realized the importance of knowledge, who stopped gaming so much, who cared for my sister more because she is growing up to be a big girl.

Then I saw my dreams. All those dreams that I dreamt. Getting really good results, going around the globe traveling, being nice and kind to everyone, writing songs, and so much more. I never realized there were so "much" things I wanted. And I saw me dreaming of driving my own Lamborghini , having a bungalow of my own, riding my own super bike...

I looked even higher. My friends. Some old friends, some new friends. Some close friends, some not really close friends. Best friends. Used-to-be friends. Some important friends. Some I-don't-even-know-if-they-are friends.

Then there was gap. Between the stars. A blurred spot. All mysterious, and dark. Pure darkness. Well? I guess that's the dark side of me. Hah.

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But on top of all,














I see you.

Untitled 2

4年了，说长不长说短不短。你在这4年里面学了什么？

I fell in love from the first day I met you. I never knew I could fall in love so deeply. I was so happy when you first accepted me. And then there was our first break up, and our "start again", and then our second break up, then our so-close relationship, and then the final break up. Never knew I can be so happy, and never knew it can be so hard.

I imagined I'm a playboy. Getting new girls every week, or even a new girlfriend every few days, having sex here and there with whoever. Yes this was what I wanted. Until I found out there's only you, and you forever existed in my heart, my mind, my everywhere.

I remembered the day we first made out. No sex, just make-out. I enjoyed it so much that once I always remembered of it. I love how I cherished you, and how you cherished me and made me felt really good. You rendered me fantasies. It's true. You always think that you're fat and chubby and not beautiful and not sexy and so many negatives thought. But to me you are perfect.

我知道我们常吵架。我也很不喜欢我们吵架。但是谁能管我们？你是永远觉得自己是对的不要再否认了，我是永远固执幼稚的我承认了。可是吵了那么多次我们得到的是什么？换来我们之间越来越多，越来越深的裂痕，终于有一天当一颗沙子飘到这布满裂痕的地方的时候，一颗沙子也能把整片地毁了。你不停地逃离这荒地，我不停挽回我们曾拥有的一切。但是只有我一个人，我是根本无能为力。

我好想你。

There is many kinds of love in this world. Ours must be those love which it's like a volcano meeting a tornado. And it creates a blow so hard that it hurts both of us so much. The harder we love, the more we get hurt.Is this it? If not why does it only get us hurt more and more, when all we do is only love each other? Or worse, am I the only one who thinks like this? I'm not sure anymore. I'm never sure.

Can anybody hear me? or am I talking to myself. Can anybody tell me why, that I'm lonely like a satellite.

Truth is I never have many friends. A few, that are really friends indeed. We fought, argued, and yet we're still good friends. But I definitely don't have as much friends as you have. I spent all of me on you, the whole of me. I love you so much that I just wanted to stick with you all the time. And you have so many friends around you, always there to care for you. I got nothing.

行尸走肉的生活我们都尝试过。真的一点都不好受。我现在真的很难过。看见你好像从来不认识我一样，看见你过得很好，我的心真的很痛。我很想见你，可是又很不想见到你。不见你很难受，见到你很心痛。以前的一切仿佛过眼云烟，到现在已经什么也不留了。只剩我一直在尝试抓住以前的所有回忆，再深深地刻在心上。我不想忘记你的任何一切，我不想失去你的任何一切。

你很漂亮，漂亮的没话说。我很爱你，爱得我甚至不确定我自己是不是在爱着你。


“如果你以后都不会变，你还是会一样爱我
你等我
到时候我一定会让你幸福
但如果你变了，也没关系
那就让我以后都在背后默默的
喜欢你
就好
因为如果你变了，你大概也不想我爱你了吧？ 虽然我是爱你，但也只能剩下 喜欢 你而已吧？ 爱你的工作，就让你爱的人做吧... 
不管到什么时候，我都会等你
如果有一天你和你的爱人分开了，我会很不知羞的把你拉回来
就算被说什么都好
比起那些我更加不愿意看到你一个人伤心，一个人哭
因为当你心痛，我会比你心痛多上千倍万倍






我真的衷心希望，有一天
我会让你成为
这世界上
最幸福
最幸福的
新娘









孙奕珺，我爱你 ”



Do you, by any chance, remembered any bit of this? I swear to God I love you forever, and eternal. And it's so I'm gonna do it. I know you'll leave me, however, and whatever I do won't change your mind and keep you by my side. But yes, I'll still love you.


And I never betrayed you. Not my body nor my heart. Listen to this, I. Never. Betrayed. You.

你会是我最爱的人，孙奕珺，而且会是我这一生的挚爱，这一生，我唯一会爱得那么深的女人。

Vacation to Kuantan

So we went to Kuantan, don't know where, for vacation. =) Here's some.. selected photos =P

 Fooling around with sis when I'd learned to swim =P 

 ahahahaha!

 Dad wanted to took this =D he said he wanted to take a photo of the sea... (?)

 The wind.. my hair... ==

*ignores myself* Look behind that pink lil girl! My sis =D

Our story got to be longer than this

Girl girl girl, this post will be all about you. I know it's kinda lame, you know, you already wrote one for me but, hahaha I got something for you too. :)

So it's your birthday! And.. I won't be celebrating with you. I mean I can't. I wish I can, I really want to spend some time with you, too. Come to think of it I hadn't really celebrated a birthday with you, well maybe last year. I tried to give you some surprise and it went well, almost.. Maybe it's a little too much that you even cried ;P I had actually been planning to celebrate your birthday with you, until I saw that your birthday is in the Chinese New Year holiday week and I downed a little. I tried to ask for permission to hang out with you, since it didn't work, I try to indeed make you something. You know, however it is, you're still special to me. I don't want to make you feel.. "unspecial". But yea I still hope the most to be with you, and I believe that's what you hope for too, eh? :)

But then I was a fool, to make you mad, make you upset, to create those unwanted emotional in you, and even to make you cry. I need to apologize to you sincerely, still didn't have the chance. I will, though. Maybe I'll just, offer myself to you forever for the apology. ;P If you want this, that is.

You're for sure going to leave this school next year, aren't you? Missing you is like, dark grey all along. I wouldn't be better if we're that far apart. I don't even dare to imagine what would we be like that time. But there's one thing that I can confirm : for sure you'll still be the one and only I miss and I love.

I don't wanna give you any pressure but, *whisper*( I will ask you on a date, and I'll ask you to be my girlfriend, one day this year) .. I know there's many things happening now, and we'll be sitting for the SPM this year. Despite sometimes I am away or stuffs, whatever you might be facing, I'll be there for you, I'll support you always, and face those circumstances with you. Maybe.. we might be a little too young to say this but.. haha :P For you I'll do.

I won't be here tomorrow.. So.. Happy Birthday, in advance..? :)

My pretty darling, you've always been that beautiful and cute to me. Always were, and always will. I wish you stay happy on your birthday, and do have a blessed day. Be a little more confident in yourself, you're really, really, better than any other girl I've met or known before. I wish you'd be my valentines too, haha. :) <3 i="" love="" p="" you.="">
God bless you, God bless us.

Christmas Christmas...

From Waltz Disney's "Mickey's Once Upon A Christmas" : "Christmas isn't about candy canes, holly, or lights all aglow. It's about the hearts that we touch and the care that we show."

Merry Christmas Eve everyone :)

So I guess I can't change anything, I still have to follow my family to Hatyai for Christmas. Which, a special day I more likely want to celebrate with that someone.

Sigh.. So like I said, my parents aren't Christians. Indeed my whole family isn't, including me. But I want to, some part of me tell me I want to be one. It's just that I can't get pass my parents. But she did said as long as I have faith..

Ah anyway, it's not the first time they're doing this. Indeed it's not the first time I write blog like this too LOL. It's not that I have anything to complain about. When we're there they bought me clothes, gifts, and brought me to eat Thailand's delicious food. But just imagine, 5 years in a roll. While others might be envious because I get to go travel every year, I felt bored. Seriously bored. I don't wanna go there every year. And especially every Christmas. Why don't I get to spend Christmas with people I like? Like my friends, my loved one and others. Why do I have to, am forced to, spend it with you guys? You don't celebrate it anyway! You just go there, do some shopping, eat out, and do nothing about Christmas. Hey even our Muslims friends celebrate Christmas, why not us? Why can't us? Why do you guys have to be so... old-fashion minded?

Sigh.. It's Silent Night tonight, guess it should be peaceful. So I won't be angry :)




And there's some words for you my love. If you see this.

I know it's hard, like you said. It's better I don't be in your life, than having us suffer like this. I'm sorry, for not being able to be with you every time it's Christmas, even though I myself want to be with you really much. Maybe not the Christmas before, nor this time. But I promise you, there'll be Christmas we spend together. Or maybe Christmas"s" ;) Just, not now... When I still don't have a transport that is... ;P I promise you really. We'll get to hang along at Christmas, sometime later. And I love you :) Merry christmas eve, and Merry Christmas in advance. <3 p="p">

No I don't know that title to put D: Recent.. Happenings?

huh.. been while i haven't touched my blog. I'm gonna write something bout what happened lately so, won't be much. :)

Okay well first, studying during holiday. Since it's what I promised myself, I'd tried hard to accomplished that, and so I did. nevertheless it wasn't an easy road, facing the subject which I'm worst at, alone, Chemistry? Yeah I hope I can catch up with everything I should already be able to next year, and not to fail the teacher and myself again. Other than that, Physics and Add Maths are the ones I focus secondly, which I found them not as hard as chemistry. Hope I do well in these subjects too. And thinking of facing the stupid SPM next year ( oh why couldn't we get a break ) , the things I dislike, one of'em, is that we have to face multiple examination. Our UEC syllabus, and SPM together? and besides SPM we still gotta take out final exams? Imagine that day coming, gives me a pain in the stomach. But I'll be prepared. I won't chicken out at that time. I'm gonna proof myself, to... to myself! :)

Before the holiday I've been complained by the girl, saying that I'm too thin, and.. "meatless".. or not complain, just saying. hahaha! So I manage to ask my mom to get myself some, weight gaining drinks. It's powder actually, and I have to make this drink everyday. I did asked my mom to buy the vanilla flavor ones, but she'd forgotten and bought me chocolate flavor. I guess that works too. I shouldn't be so picky. So I kept constant taking the powder mixture, and I thought my chest was growing... I mean, not like girls-chest-growing. I'm a guy and I don't have boobs. Just, it wasn't as flat as how it used to be.... Geez it gets more weirder. Fine, I'll.. skip that. And I think my work out did had some affect on my muscles, tho I really hope my arms grow fatter... they're still as thin as usual, an muscles don't look good on arms THAT thin. Well there's still plenty of time until school reopens so, I sure as hell hope I'm not that skinny until then. ;) Bless me eh?

I actually finished two novels until now, which... is quite slow. I could've read more, but I still put my study at first, and I read novel at night, or when I'm free. Since my computer has got problem, it overheats every time I run a few programs together. Even watching videos. @@ I was forced to set my air-conditioner's temperature to 20'C so that the cold stops the CPU from overheating, which I get myself freezing every time. But as long as I want to use my computer I have to do that. So I'd decided not to use my computer, only when the one girl is there to talk to. ;D

Traveling, vacations? Hmm.. Not for me I say. Don't know, I think my parents are planning one. But I'm not sure. Before that they did asked me to follow a friend of mine from Sabah, Sylvester Chin is his name, to go to Australia. I was like, What? You guys serious?! and they said yes so I'd rush to go online to look for him and ask when he's leaving and details and stuff. And then realization hit me, that it'd be awkward to go travel, me alone, and his family(not that it really matters who am I with, as long as I tag along with a friend I trust). Plus, there's a class during the trip to Australia. So I gave up, feeling upset. Then I thought my parents gave me another hope, to go to Singapore and Lego Land! ( Well legoland wasn't the reason I got hyped up) They got a offer from the oil company, there's a package to go to legoland, and we'll stop by Singapore first, maybe we'd be able to visit  Universal Studio too! and then after that we turn back to go to the Lego Land at Johor. Tho I wished so damn hard for this vacation to be on, yet I was disappointed. Like, again. Ah never mind. Maybe after all, my destiny is not meant for me to go anywhere this holiday. The next thing they're planning, I won't give a damn. Wether it's on or not. On, I'll go, take a break from my boring holiday life. Not on, no big deal. But there's a camp at school around the corner, on 17th to 19th. Hope I get to have fun there. :)

 Oh and the thing I'd like to talk about the most, is about the girl. I hardly get her out of my mind since holiday started. I missed her so much. ( "Hey I miss you, get me?" ) Yea Joyce Soon Ee Jun. sigh. Some times I was thinking if I don't really, you know, supposed to be behaving like this. I know I'm not your boyfriend now. I WAS. But some times some occasion, I just feel like, you'll need me. Don't know if I'm over reacting. I sure hope you really need me... like i need you. Okay I bought a gift for her and I hadn't had chance to gift it to her. In fact I didn't really had much chance to even talk with her. Twitter, Facebook or anything. But she became free recently, and I cherished every moment with her,(at least I think I do that---or not) but as I'd just get my phone back, so I think texting her won't be hard as before now.;) And God if she doesn't get prettier and more beautiful and cuter days passed. Look at her photos, twitcons, or whatever. She just looks... so beautiful. She's so grown up and. Well I kept a few photos of her in the Juniors year and I compared them. Geez. And I think I actually isn't growing at all! =[]= Hahaha never mind. One may looked child-ish, may even have a child-ish and playful heart, but as long his brain is mature enough, it gets women or girls impressed. So as I worked on my body, I worked on my brain too, in hope it's able to impress her. :) And for not being immature anymore, that kinda brought a lot of problems into my life... And in hope one day, she'll be able to accept a new me, except I'll still be me, just.. something more than before:) 
And I think, even if I said it always, I still had to make a confession.. haha
Hey Joyce Soon, I know it's hard, but trust me, as I trust you. And with all sincerity, I love you from my heart. That's a fact that will never change. So don't even bother if one day I'll change my heart to love somebody else. It did happened once. I mean... not on you. I'm sorry it left a bad impression of me to you. And I swear there won't be any other time. Crossed my heart. I'll work on everything that I'd done to upset you, or you dislike, and it'll be done. I love you Soon Ee Jun.

Guess that's all for this one :) I hope I can write more, as I really wanted to... But I'm feeling kinda lazy and I'm tired.. xP  hahahaha! I'll write again, sooner or later. See ya! ;)